My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
never let your printer know that you waited until the last minute to print something and you’re in a hurry. they can sense fear
sometimes i think that i am not so stereotypical of an american
and then i remember that i consider the coke freestyle machine one of the greatest modern inventions
i mean look at this thing
over 100 choices, computerized mixing, one spout, touch screen, ice dispenser
have u ever seen anything so wondrous and beautiful??
"how are you single?"
A relationship is like a house
If a lightbulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house, you just change the lightbulb.
Unless that house is a lying whore
Then you burn the fucker to the ground and buy a better house with lights that you can fucking count on.
This took the best possible turn.
My mom went to a psychic when I was 12 years old and was told the whole world will know your daughter’s name. But my mom thought that meant I was going to be kidnapped.